For some reason out of nowhere, I felt like drawing. I have never had the ability to draw something purely out of imagination. Instead, I chose to search for images that resembled what I was feeling. Some were small with very little detail. Black and white, which is what I currently wanted.
I chose to take an artistic path I had never taken before. Instead of painting with colors, I chose to use nothing more than a pen, a cheap pencil for shading, and a black permanent marker to fill in complete blacks. The style of shading I used was a compilation of cross pattern pen with a little help of my pencil. This is something I have never tried before.
After a couple hours of playing around with the setup, I have grown to love the look and outcome even though I am such a fucking perfectionist. Even within my considered best works, I would find imperfections.
Maybe this is a new way for me to channel my anger and anxiety. I guess I will see if this is a growing love or just a another fad.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Monday, May 3, 2010
It once felt great, and now physically don't
I am to the point where my health is destructive because of my drinking needs. I used to be able to look forward to drinking knowing that I would feel great and happy that night. Now, it is nothing more than a crutch with physical problems.
First, I need to say that I am considered the norm when it comes to my height and weight. I am not overweight, but rather the proper equilibrium. I'm 5'9" and 160lbs. Though, I was more athletic in the first part of my 20's, I now have a little bit a beer gut. When I mean little, I mean, i can't see the abs I used to have with a layer of fat. My metabolism has always been high throughout my teen years going mostly through my 20's. In those days, I couldn't gain a fucking pound if I tried.
Now, I see my metabolism slowing down allowing me to have gained about 10lbs over the last two years. Apologies if that sounds minimal to anyone reading this. I have never been able to gain weight until now... how minimal it may seem to others, but a stark difference in regards to my entire lifespan.
What really has hit me because of my drinking has been my psychological mentality, as well as the physical health the days after drinking. I would wake up still tired from the previous night of drinking, sometimes with a slight hangover. This would put me in a shitty mood to begin with. On many days, I was an itchy trigger and in constant annoyance.
This would also cause me to have no motivation to do the things I told myself I would do the day before. "Should I finally get out and work on my car? Eh, fuck it. Its a little cold outside, so I'll do it tomorrow."
That is how things would pan out in my head. My level of procrastination has grown to a point where I no longer manage to function in the same way I used to back before my drinking problem.
How I feel the day after drinking:
Sadly to say, I have made a habit of drinking every night, which makes every following day the same. I sleep a decent amount of time only to wake up in the afternoon. I wake up tired, and have started going to the likes of caffeine to at least put me to sound mind along with getting rid of my slight headache.
Regardless of the ideas I figured I would get done during the day only turn out to me procrastinating as already said. I survive the 10 or so hours after waking up only to gain the lust to drink again after everyone else in the household has fallen asleep.
This is not the way I want to live, and I know this is slowly killing me.
First, I need to say that I am considered the norm when it comes to my height and weight. I am not overweight, but rather the proper equilibrium. I'm 5'9" and 160lbs. Though, I was more athletic in the first part of my 20's, I now have a little bit a beer gut. When I mean little, I mean, i can't see the abs I used to have with a layer of fat. My metabolism has always been high throughout my teen years going mostly through my 20's. In those days, I couldn't gain a fucking pound if I tried.
Now, I see my metabolism slowing down allowing me to have gained about 10lbs over the last two years. Apologies if that sounds minimal to anyone reading this. I have never been able to gain weight until now... how minimal it may seem to others, but a stark difference in regards to my entire lifespan.
What really has hit me because of my drinking has been my psychological mentality, as well as the physical health the days after drinking. I would wake up still tired from the previous night of drinking, sometimes with a slight hangover. This would put me in a shitty mood to begin with. On many days, I was an itchy trigger and in constant annoyance.
This would also cause me to have no motivation to do the things I told myself I would do the day before. "Should I finally get out and work on my car? Eh, fuck it. Its a little cold outside, so I'll do it tomorrow."
That is how things would pan out in my head. My level of procrastination has grown to a point where I no longer manage to function in the same way I used to back before my drinking problem.
How I feel the day after drinking:
Sadly to say, I have made a habit of drinking every night, which makes every following day the same. I sleep a decent amount of time only to wake up in the afternoon. I wake up tired, and have started going to the likes of caffeine to at least put me to sound mind along with getting rid of my slight headache.
Regardless of the ideas I figured I would get done during the day only turn out to me procrastinating as already said. I survive the 10 or so hours after waking up only to gain the lust to drink again after everyone else in the household has fallen asleep.
This is not the way I want to live, and I know this is slowly killing me.
Alcohol is my only drug! I don't do illegal drugs!
I am not an addict of any sort other than that of alcoholism. Well, I do smoke (cigarettes), but ONLY when I drink. I have no other want or need for them. It is like drinking and smoking come hand in hand for me.
I have no prior drug use. Sure, I've smoked weed from time to time, rarely ever by just maybe once a couple months. It is only when offered, and I usually turn it away. It makes me anxious and paranoid. I just don't like the high.
No other illegal substances have ever caught my attention. I have never tried drugs like acid, shrooms, coke, heroine, pcp, meth... NONE of those, and I have absolutely no want to ever try them.
The only type of drug that I feel I would get addicted if getting my hands on would be prescription pain killers like Vicodin. I was once prescribed Vicodin when I had my wisdom teeth pulled, and (like most) that shit was wonderful. I ran through the bottle prescribed, and vowed to not pursue it further. This was 4 years ago. To this day, I have not gone that path, and I hope I never do.
However, there is one prescription drug I have. It is Xanax. I take it for the anxiety I have accumulated over time that I feel has been either the fix or cause for my alcoholism. The first couple times I had panic attacks resulting in gagging and vomiting resulted in me both drinking and ultimately going to a doctor to get Xanax. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you, but that is how it went.
I have no prior drug use. Sure, I've smoked weed from time to time, rarely ever by just maybe once a couple months. It is only when offered, and I usually turn it away. It makes me anxious and paranoid. I just don't like the high.
No other illegal substances have ever caught my attention. I have never tried drugs like acid, shrooms, coke, heroine, pcp, meth... NONE of those, and I have absolutely no want to ever try them.
The only type of drug that I feel I would get addicted if getting my hands on would be prescription pain killers like Vicodin. I was once prescribed Vicodin when I had my wisdom teeth pulled, and (like most) that shit was wonderful. I ran through the bottle prescribed, and vowed to not pursue it further. This was 4 years ago. To this day, I have not gone that path, and I hope I never do.
However, there is one prescription drug I have. It is Xanax. I take it for the anxiety I have accumulated over time that I feel has been either the fix or cause for my alcoholism. The first couple times I had panic attacks resulting in gagging and vomiting resulted in me both drinking and ultimately going to a doctor to get Xanax. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you, but that is how it went.
How I became the alcoholic I am now
I think this problem started in my early 20's (I'm almost 30 now). It started with the usual group of friends that started going out to local bars and clubs on a weekly basis. That turned into going out to local hole-in-the-wall bars on an almost daily basis.
Every fucking local bar around here has their 'specials' on given days. Where one bar would have Mondays and Wednesdays, another would have Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then, of course, there were the weekends where I almost felt obligated to go out drinking.
By no means have I ever blamed my friends or the bar schedules for my drinking. I want to make that clear. No, I blame my love for the taste and feel of drinking and being buzzed. It was like, "Oh hell yea, $3 beer night. Tomorrow is $3 shots, you call em!"
The cheap drinking was a way of justifying getting buzzed because of the deals. It also became the only way of hanging out with friends during winter, since there was no other fucking thing we did during the cold weather.
Then I lost my job:
No, it had nothing to do with my drinking. I was NEVER drunk or even slightly buzzed when working. The death of the economy drove the company that I worked for to cut 300 workers in the various stores including me.
Once unemployed, I went into online sales by selling various items on eBay and so on. It was a means of being independent from having some asshole boss pushing me around to being able to do what I want, and when I want. It was great, and the money as able to pay my bills the same way as I had been doing when working 40 hours a week.
The only problem was that with this new freedom, I found that I could do my job while drinking. Yeah, sounds wonderful, but that grew to a problem. Sure, I did the work I needed, and never missed sending out a bought item, but it made me think it was alright to have alcohol next to me.
This soon became the norm. Every night, I would slam back a couple of beers to wind down from a day of packing and shipping items, and would spend this time posting new auctions and what not.
It was great, but did slightly take away from my social life since I was more consumed with packing, shipping, and relisting that I stayed in most of my days.
Slowly, it became worse:
Though, I managed to get all of my tasks done to pay the bills, it kept me from living my life. Most of this was due to the drinking. Here was my day plan from start to finish...
That soon turned into me buying the cheap shit beers that had had higher alcohol content, and buying bottles of almost whole grain alcohol that was dirt cheap rather than the expensive liquors. I went from Miller Lite to Natural Ice. I went from Cuervo to Everclear. Sure, I would mix the hard shit or spit at it, but I drank it because it was cheaper and got me buzzed faster.
I'll go further on the next post.
Every fucking local bar around here has their 'specials' on given days. Where one bar would have Mondays and Wednesdays, another would have Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then, of course, there were the weekends where I almost felt obligated to go out drinking.
By no means have I ever blamed my friends or the bar schedules for my drinking. I want to make that clear. No, I blame my love for the taste and feel of drinking and being buzzed. It was like, "Oh hell yea, $3 beer night. Tomorrow is $3 shots, you call em!"
The cheap drinking was a way of justifying getting buzzed because of the deals. It also became the only way of hanging out with friends during winter, since there was no other fucking thing we did during the cold weather.
Then I lost my job:
No, it had nothing to do with my drinking. I was NEVER drunk or even slightly buzzed when working. The death of the economy drove the company that I worked for to cut 300 workers in the various stores including me.
Once unemployed, I went into online sales by selling various items on eBay and so on. It was a means of being independent from having some asshole boss pushing me around to being able to do what I want, and when I want. It was great, and the money as able to pay my bills the same way as I had been doing when working 40 hours a week.
The only problem was that with this new freedom, I found that I could do my job while drinking. Yeah, sounds wonderful, but that grew to a problem. Sure, I did the work I needed, and never missed sending out a bought item, but it made me think it was alright to have alcohol next to me.
This soon became the norm. Every night, I would slam back a couple of beers to wind down from a day of packing and shipping items, and would spend this time posting new auctions and what not.
It was great, but did slightly take away from my social life since I was more consumed with packing, shipping, and relisting that I stayed in most of my days.
Slowly, it became worse:
Though, I managed to get all of my tasks done to pay the bills, it kept me from living my life. Most of this was due to the drinking. Here was my day plan from start to finish...
- Wake up around noon with a slight hangover from the night before.
- Shit, shower, and shave.
- Make some kind of food whether it be left overs or whatever.
- Sit down at the computer looking at what I need to ship out.
- Package up the items, and have UPS or FedEx come pick them up. Sometimes would go drop them off depending on certain circumstances.
- Much of the rest of the day is spent doing odd jobs around the house and normal choirs.
- Once night hit, I'd sit down with my beer in hand and post up new auctions, reply to questions, etc. for the next day. I'd keep drinking until I either get to the point where I know I'm too drunk to post, or just plain tired.
- Go to sleep only to repeat everything over.
That soon turned into me buying the cheap shit beers that had had higher alcohol content, and buying bottles of almost whole grain alcohol that was dirt cheap rather than the expensive liquors. I went from Miller Lite to Natural Ice. I went from Cuervo to Everclear. Sure, I would mix the hard shit or spit at it, but I drank it because it was cheaper and got me buzzed faster.
I'll go further on the next post.
I am an alcoholic, but no one knows but me
I don't know who out there is actually reading this, but I'm writing anyway. I have a real problem with drinking on a daily basis. There is no particular brand for my poison, but almost anything. I only drink at night when everyone else is asleep. No one seems to know my problem, but me. Not even my best of friends and closest family members know the inner hatred I have for the love for alcohol.
Don't get me wrong, I don't drink to get hammered, but just buzzed. I have only gotten sick from drinking about three times in my life. I'm in my late 20's for the record. I rarely ever do drive when under the influence, but I won't lie (no point since anonymous) that I have driven under the influence that certainly would have resulted in a DUI.
My drinking over the last three or four years has grown into a big problem. Before anyone (if anyone sees this) draws any conclusions, I'm not depressed or the kind of person who drinks over a woman.
I drink because I am addicted to it. FUCK, that actually feels good to write that or say that other than what I think in my head. No one has ever heard me say I have a drinking problem. Friends have seen me drunk, but only the weekends when it is acceptable in most cases.
What no one knows is that I drink on a daily basis. I drink every single night. It is something that calms me. I can vividly say that my drinking is just used to make me able to fall asleep, because my mind never shuts the fuck up.
I'm quite entrepreneurial in thinking, and always have new ideas for everything from inventions to possible home businesses. For that, my mind races when I try to fall asleep sober. Sleeping pills they sell at the local drug stores make me feel like shit. The dramamine style ones only manage to make me twitch when trying to fall asleep.
Back to the problem of drinking every night, this wasn't always the case. Sadly, I can't remember when I was more normalized. Sure, when I was in my early 20's, I drank weekly, but not on a daily basis. These were the times when we (my friends and I) would go out every other weekend to a club or a bar. I drank my dues, but always knew where to draw the line between being drunk, and passed out shitfaced.
Now I'm to the point where I drink every night, and I know it's a problem. I'll go into it with other posts.
Don't get me wrong, I don't drink to get hammered, but just buzzed. I have only gotten sick from drinking about three times in my life. I'm in my late 20's for the record. I rarely ever do drive when under the influence, but I won't lie (no point since anonymous) that I have driven under the influence that certainly would have resulted in a DUI.
My drinking over the last three or four years has grown into a big problem. Before anyone (if anyone sees this) draws any conclusions, I'm not depressed or the kind of person who drinks over a woman.
I drink because I am addicted to it. FUCK, that actually feels good to write that or say that other than what I think in my head. No one has ever heard me say I have a drinking problem. Friends have seen me drunk, but only the weekends when it is acceptable in most cases.
What no one knows is that I drink on a daily basis. I drink every single night. It is something that calms me. I can vividly say that my drinking is just used to make me able to fall asleep, because my mind never shuts the fuck up.
I'm quite entrepreneurial in thinking, and always have new ideas for everything from inventions to possible home businesses. For that, my mind races when I try to fall asleep sober. Sleeping pills they sell at the local drug stores make me feel like shit. The dramamine style ones only manage to make me twitch when trying to fall asleep.
Back to the problem of drinking every night, this wasn't always the case. Sadly, I can't remember when I was more normalized. Sure, when I was in my early 20's, I drank weekly, but not on a daily basis. These were the times when we (my friends and I) would go out every other weekend to a club or a bar. I drank my dues, but always knew where to draw the line between being drunk, and passed out shitfaced.
Now I'm to the point where I drink every night, and I know it's a problem. I'll go into it with other posts.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)